I’m not going to miss the creature in the pipes.

I’m in sort of a list-making mood.  (Can you tell?)  My deepest apologies.

The Top 5 Reasons I Don’t Like Communal Bathrooms

It’s not for the reasons you think.  The fact that I didn’t clean them myself and thus I don’t know how clean they are doesn’t bother me – I know the woman who cleans them and I’ve never had a problem with her.  Really nice woman.  The fact that other people have been in there – people I don’t know, none the less – doesn’t bother me (except when they miss the toilet, but we’re not going there).  It’s not the tight space (well, not really, but I’ll explain that in a second) nor do I have peeing anxiety (aka, not being able to – or not wanting to, maybe.  I’m kind of fuzzy on the details – relieve yourself when someone else is in the stall next to/near you).  It’s none of that.

Reason 5: Someone else cleans it.

I don’t have a problem with the fact that I don’t clean the bathrooms but for the fact that then I feel bad when I need to use it.  (This applies to the shower stalls as well.)  It’s like I’m ruining all their hard work.  I (as well as the other girls on my floor) am the reason that May (Mae?  I’m not sure) has to come back tomorrow to clean the bathroom.  (This is especially the case when May is in the middle of cleaning the bathrooms when my bladder’s about to burst.)

Reason 4: It’s so impersonal.

The bathroom stalls are plan black, the walls are a boring color, the sinks don’t have anything on them.  I want my bathroom to be mine.  What exactly that means, I’m not sure.  But these bathrooms are so impersonal that I don’t like using them.

Reason 3: I have no control over the bathrooms.

This kinda goes in with what I said up above, but what I mean is that if I want a certain type of toilet paper or soap, well…there’s the kind that they give you and if you want anything else, go get your own.  Which means, of course, that every time I want to wash my hands, I either use their soap or bring mine to the bathroom and then back to my room.  I can’t leave my shampoo’s or toothpastes in there.

Not that I bring my own soap and TP.  I’m just saying.  I want my bathroom to have my soap, my conditioner, my shower curtain.  Mine.

Don’t get me wrong here.  I’m fine with sharing.  If you decide, “Hey, I want to live with the coolest cat in town.  I wonder if Charlie has room for me,” then I’m all for sharing the soap, the toothpaste and doing a fair share of the chores.  (That is, you can use my toothpaste just as long as you don’t leave the nozzle all toothpaste-gunky.  That’s one of my pet peeves.)  I just want some modicum of choice in a. what brands I decide to use and b. where I decide that it’s acceptable to put things.

Reason 2: I was born free, baby!

You might laugh but I’m serious.  I want to be able to amble completely naked from the bathroom to my bedroom.  I want the freedom to do that.

Now, before I introduce Reason 1, you have to understand two things:

1. The things I mentioned above bother me but not nearly to the degree that Reason 1 bothers me.  Seriously.  It may sound like I’m kidding but I’m not.

2. I have an overactive imagination.  I always have.  When I go to sleep, I have to either pull the shades down, or turn away from the window.  If I don’t, I’ll stare at the window all night, afraid that the minute I close my eyes, some creepy guy/alien/monster will appear at my window.  If I turn away, however, then I can’t see the window and I’m fine.  What makes it worse, however, is that there’s the fear but also the fact that I can visualize the creature at my window.  I can see him there – not literally, but clear as day in my head.

So, you ready for Reason 1?  (Which, by the way, only applies to bathroom stalls.  The rest of these apply to all parts of communal bathrooms.)

Reason 1: I’m afraid of the creature that lives in the pipes.

Okay.  Yeah.  Go ahead.  Laugh.  Get it out and over with.  Because I’m dead serious.  I have to open the toilet stall door before I can flush otherwise I rush out of the stall in a panic, trying to get away from the creature in the pipes that I can visualize reaching for me, trying to drag me down with it.  (I only recently discovered that opening the stall door before flushing helps this.  Not all the way.  But it does help.)

However, the creature that lives in the pipes only lives in the pipes of communal bathrooms.  TRANSLATION: The enclosed space freaks me out because if there were something reaching for me from the toilet bowl, I’d have a harder time getting away than if I was in a private bathroom.

It’s weird, I know, but I swear that it never happens when I’m using a private bathroom.  Never.  It happens all the time here.