Charlie! Hey, there. What are you doing up at 2:32 in the morning?
You know those days (rather, nights) when your head is just so full of thoughts that however much your eyes might be threatening to close, your brain just won’t allow for sleep? Yeah. I hate them too.
Shortly following this blog, I’m going to blog about how I’ve been a huge hypocrite to one of my friends, but here I’m actually going to talk about how I’ve been a hypocrite in a slightly smaller way to the same friend. I keep telling her that she needs to forgive and forget when I can’t seem to do the same myself.
I don’t know if you remember, but a couple months back, I had a huge blowout with…someone I used to know (and then there’s the part two). I fear this entire thing makes me sound like I’m two years old, but…it’s been a couple months now (when was that posted? Feb? March? I’m not sure) and I can’t seem to let it go. This is the only occasion where something like this happened and I carried it around for so long. But…I can’t seem to figure out exactly why I can’t let it go.
My first idea is that the issue is unresolved, or at least, in my head. I mean, the entire event came to a conclusion but there are so many things that I want to say to her. I want her to know that it was unfair for her to push for my roommate to accept her apology like she did and then avoid us for the three or four days following the “you walked on my clean floor with dirty shoes!” event. I want her to know that it was in those days when she wasn’t talking to us that I came to the realization that she wasn’t someone I wanted in my life. (Weirdly, I happen to know for a fact that she thinks it started much earlier than that.) I want her to know that I think she’s disrespectful (and that I happen to think she’s a horrible person for it).
I don’t want her to hate me, per say. I just want her to know that I think about as much of her as she thinks of me. Lastly, I want her to understand that I never used her.
There’s also the fact that I want to piss her off. Sometimes, I think (very briefly) about posting a Facebook status, either song lyrics or…something in rant-ish form, that specifically relates to her, just in the hopes that it will make it’s way back to her and will make her mad. However, I will not let myself sink to her level, as she made a comment on someone else’s status saying that she knew how it felt to be used and walked on.
In my own quiet way, I guess I do *gulp* hate her. And I know I need to forgive her. Don’t get me wrong here. When I say ‘forgive,’ I don’t mean, “Let’s be buddies!” I just want to accept what happened and be able to…just forget about it. I want it to be able to say, “Remember that time when….?” without stirring up some funky emotions.
I want to be able to leave it in the past, but instead, I keep bringing it up in my mind, turning it over and over.
I know that forgiving someone isn’t an easy process. However, I sometimes feel like forgiving her now would be like stitching up a bullet hole in someone’s shoulder without removing the bullet first. There’s so much I want to say…But, at this point, I think it’s better to let sleeping dogs lie. There’s no point in telling her this. She’ll just respond and instead of removing the bullet, all we’ll be doing is just pushing it deeper.
This was one of the things I miss about school. There was a woman I worked with there that I became friends with. She was my voice of reason. Whenever I had a problem like this, I would talk to her. (She would also talk to the girl in question, and I could get information on the state of the girl’s mind by talking to this woman. And I do miss that.)
I just wish there was a 12-step program for this sort of thing, you know?