Quotes

So, I have a document of quotes that I enjoy.  I figured I might as well post them here.

For a brief time, I served in a small parish in England. Every Sunday, after mass, I would see a young boy waiting at the back of the church. Then one day, the boy confessed to me that he had beaten his dog to death with a shovel. He said his dog had bitten his baby sister on the cheek and he needed to protect her. And he wanted to know whether he would go to hell for this. I told him that God would understand, that he would be forgiven, as long as he was sorry. But the boy did not care about forgiveness. He was only afraid that if he did go to hell, that dog would be there waiting for him. – Eko, Lost

I’m not a carjacker. I’m the Devil. Your name tag’s crooked. – Devil, Reaper

You turniphead, that’s Howl’s Castle, that is not what I meant when I asked for a place to stay! – Sophie, Howl’s moving castle

In the beginning, there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. – Ellen DeGeneres

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather. – Michael Pritchard

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. – John Adams

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down. – Mitch Hedberg

I can resist anything but temptation.  – Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere’s Fan

One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards. – Oscar Wilde

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. – Oscar Wilde

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.  – Steven Wright

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.  – Woody Allen , Without Feathers, 1976

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.  – Woody Allen

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes. – Douglas Adams

“I meant,” said Ipslore bitterly, “what is there in this world that truly makes living worthwhile?”
Death thought about it. “Cats,” he said eventually. “Cats are nice.” –  Terry Pratchett, Sourcery

I believe in God, only I spell it Nature. – Frank Lloyd Wright

Nature does nothing uselessly – Aristotle, Politics

In all things of nature, there is something of the marvelous – Aristotle, Parts ofAnimals

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age. — George Burns (1896 – 1996)

There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are strong in the contrast – Charles Dickens

The clock has stopped in the dark. – T.S. Eliot

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. – Charles Austin Beard

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.
–Jelaluddin Rumi (or Jalalu’l-Din Rumi)

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing. – Steven Wright

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. – Robin Williams.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.  – Jules de Gaultier

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. But make sure everyone uses deodorant. – AC:WW

Who is Sierra Leone? – Malvina Wong (after spending nearly two hours watching the movie Blood Diamonds, which takes place in Sierra Leone)

There are two kinds of light–the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures. – James Thurber

I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas? – Jean Kerr

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others. – George Orwell

And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy, “omitted”.  And they worshipped the dragon which gave power unto the beast and they worshipped the beast, saying, “Who is like unto the beast? Who is able to make war with him?” – The Revelation of Saint John the Divine, 13-:1-4, the first episode of Monster (an anime series)

Caro mi e il sonno, e piu l’esser di sasso mentre che il danno, e la vergogna dura: non veder, non sentir, m’e gran ventura: pero non mi destar: deh. Parla basso.

Welcome is sleep, more welcome sleep of stone whilst crime and shame continue in the land; my happy fortune, not to see or hear; awake me not; hush. Whisper low. – Michelangelo Buonarroti, Rime, 247

Me (making my bed):  I think the washer and dryer are shrinking my sheets.
My roommate, Sinead:  You know, I used to think that, too, about my pants, but then I realized my butt was getting bigger.
Me:…so my mattress is growing?

“What is wrong with you, Carl?”
“Well, I kill people, and I eat hands.  That’s two things. ”  – Llamas with Hats, [youtube link]

“Shhhh, do you hear that?  That’s the sound of forgiveness.”
“That’s the sound of people drowning, Carl.”
“That is what forgiveness sounds like –  screaming, and then silence.” – Llamas with Hats 2, [youtube link]

We’ve found a way that we can get along. I stand still for the anvil song. *crash* – Animaniacs, sung to the tune of the Barney theme song. [link to youtube video]

We’re all at war with ourselves – that’s what it means to be human. the trick is figuring out how to be on the winning side. – Heroes

“Ready? Fake. Bird. Real.” – Al (a coworker, explaining the array of hotdogs that lay before hungry students)

Fairy tales do not tell children  dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed. – G.K. Chesterfield

Hey, hey, something’s different in my world today. Well, they changed my traffic signs to a bright yellow. – Jason Mraz, Curbside Prophet, from his album Waiting for my Rocket to Come

I have more.  Somewhere.  I’ll post them up here. 🙂  When I find them.