Tag Archives: Letters to No One

Dear Lasagna,

Would you mind cooking yourself while I go answer the door?  It’ll only be a few minutes.  I just have to get sleep to leave.  All you have to do is turn the oven on (remember to turn BOTH dials to turn the oven on and set the temperature), and put yourself in when the oven’s ready.  It’s really easy.

Much appreciated,


PS.  If I’m not back by the time you’re ready, would you mind taking yourself out as well?  Thanks.


Dear Sleep,

I mean it.  Seriously.  Go away.  I mean, the lasagna’s not going to cook itself.



Dear Sleep,

Stop knocking at the door.  I won’t be ready for you until at least 9pm.

My sincerest apologies,


PS. Are you the reason that my doorbell now sounds like a lullaby?

Dear Customers (though, I’m supposed to call you “Guests”),

January sucks.  Believe me, I know.  Your kids have gone back to school, back to elementary, middle, high and “higher education” and you probably just paid for school supplies, maybe some clothes, maybe tuition.  You just spent more money than you care to count on Christmas/Hanukkah/other holiday presents, preparations and celebrations.  And that’s in addition to rent and mortgages, debts, bills and the general sensation of the economy crashing down around you.  I get it.

Even so, I would very much appreciate it if you would bring your friends into the restaurant where I work, order a lot of food and finish off by tipping your server at least 20% of the bill.  I can promise we’ll have plenty of tables for you to sit at.

With much gratitude,


PS. If you can call into the survey using the number at the bottom of your receipt and give your server a raving review, that would be fantastic.  Unless your server is a pathological liar whose name starts with a ‘Vic’ and ends with a ‘tor’.  In that case, feel free to act upon your own desires.  These desires may include such things as throwing your drinks in his face, complaining to the manager and introducing him to your very hungry pet tiger.  Use your imagination.  I would appreciate that even more than I would appreciate your business.