Tag Archives: Food

Dear Lasagna,

Would you mind cooking yourself while I go answer the door?  It’ll only be a few minutes.  I just have to get sleep to leave.  All you have to do is turn the oven on (remember to turn BOTH dials to turn the oven on and set the temperature), and put yourself in when the oven’s ready.  It’s really easy.

Much appreciated,

Charlie.

PS.  If I’m not back by the time you’re ready, would you mind taking yourself out as well?  Thanks.

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How to survive having to serve food to other people, the Charlified way.

So, I’m gonna start this post off by saying that I ha – erm, strongly dislike my job.  I mean, it has its benefits – money in my bank account, wicked nice people, a knowledge of how the cafeteria works (which might not actually be a benefit, but whatever).  But…the job itself just sucks.  I spend hours at a time cleaning up after people is what it comes down to.

Today, actually, I was serving food which I’ve always thought was stupid in the first place.  The idea, I guess, is to make sure people don’t take more than they eat (and thus waste food) but how am I supposed to know how much they’ll eat?  I give them too much food and it defeats the purpose.  I give them too little and I’m a stingy server.

I was thinking about this while serving and I realized.  I serve to several different types of people.

(Before I continue on with this list, you must realize that I’m being overly dramatic.  Mostly people aren’t like this.  Mostly.)

First, let me say that you can tell what food people want from where they stand.  They want the steamed broccoli, they stand in front of it.  If they’re not standing in front of what they want, it’s because they wanted the broccoli and the chicken.  A lot of them, however….well, I’ll get to that.

Servee type #1: The absolutely clueless, I’m-so-desperately-hungry-but-I-just-don’t-know-what-it-is-that-I-want-to-eat types.  These types walk up to the serving station, plate in had, and just stand there, stuttering.

“Uhhh…well…erm…I think I…no.  I want the…erm…what’s in that again?”

Meanwhile, everyone stands behind them, rolling their eyes.  “Get on with it!”

My solution: grab their plates and shove whatever looks good onto it.  If they can’t decide, then I’ll decide for them.  I mean, neither I nor the people standing behind Type #1 have the time to waste.  Just make up your mind already!

Servee type #2: The I-know-what-I-want-so-give-it-to-me-now! type.  These types are the exact opposite of Type #1.  They know exactly what they want.  Which is great.  Except for the fact that they also know how much they want.

“Can you give me more?  Just a little more.  Okay, now just a smidgen more.  One more piece.”  Then there’s the more abrupt version.   “Oh, God.  Why are you so stingy.  Just gimme some more!”  Insert swear words liberally.

Okay, so the last one doesn’t actually happen.  But I’m waiting for it to.

My solution: Give them a good amount and then tell them to come back for more later.  How politely I tell them depends on how politely they asked.  Next person, please!

Servee type #3: “Can I just have some carrots, please?”  I love these types.  They know exactly what they want and they leave right after getting their carrots or whatever.  They’re easy to please and they’re gone in a flash.  Why can’t the world be filled with types like them?

My solution:  Are you kidding?  Don’t fix what isn’t broken.  I love these guys!

Servee type #4: The type that just hovers just far enough away from the serving station so that I know they’re not in line, but close enough so that they can see what I’m serving.  They’re like ghosts, wavering in and out of both my perception and my line of servees.

My solution: Ignore them.  What else can I do?  “Hey, either get in line or don’t!  Make up your mind!”  Uh, no.  Though I would like to.

(I’d like to add here that I’ve gotten pretty good at being able to tell whether or not they’re actually going to get food or they’re just looking but not interested.  Some people will surprise me, but not many.)

Servee Type #5: The extremely picky.

I actually had these types today, and this is what inspired this servee type.  I was serving lasagna and two girls (when there’s a enormous line behind them) come up to the counter.

Me: How can I help you today? (I didn’t actually say this. Mostly I don’t need to as people will just jump right to what they want.)

Girl#1: Is there a new tray of lasagna coming out?

Me: Yes, but there are two pieces of lasagna in this tray.  Would you like some?

Girl#1: Oh, no. Thanks but we’ll wait.

Me: What’s wrong with the two pieces there?

Girl#1: (kind of sheepishly) Well, they look gross.

Now, let me state here that these two pieces looked just fine.  There was nothing wrong with them.  They looked just like every other piece I had served, and (to me, at any rate) they looked just like the pieces I ended up serving the girls.

Me: (calling out behind me) Hey Scott!  Can you bring out more lasagna please?

Scott: (carrying tray of new lasagna.  He puts the new tray now and looks at the nearly empty tray in front of me) You have two pieces here.  What’s wrong with those?

Me: I dunno. Ask them. (points to Girl#1 and Girl#2)

Scott: (to Girl#1 and Girl#2) What’s wrong with these?

(Both girls mumble incoherently. Scott rolls his eyes and leaves after commanding me to serve the last two pieces of lasagna.)

I still don’t understand what was wrong with those pieces.  They looked all great and stacked and everything.  They weren’t a mess. They hadn’t been sitting out there that long. (This all took place within the first half hour of serving, at which point I went through five trays of lasagna.  Do the math and it comes out to the fact that each tray of lasagna stayed out for roughly six minutes.)

The thing with this is that humans are idiotic drones who can’t think for themselves.  Once those two girls rejected the two pieces of lasagna, so did the rest of the people in the line.  And the line was practically out the door.  I ended up forcing those two pieces upon two poor souls. (I bet they really suffered. *rolls eyes*)

On that note, two more work shifts and I’m done! Six hours! 🙂